Practice Makes Perfect

Nine and a half hours of training in the sweltering heat of Juba’s early rains is probably more than enough for most people.

But for the twenty-one of us who came to do unarmed, nonviolent civilian peacekeeping in South Sudan, in the middle of a civil war, there’s a bit more to worry about than the humidity.

We’ve spent these first few days going a bit through security risks – abductions, grenades, targeted attacks, and the near-constant presence of small arms such as pistols and assault rifles. In this, we’ve learned that much like martial arts, the best defense against these risks is to avoid confrontation in the first place.

As unarmed civilian peacekeepers, our duty is to the communities we serve. We’re not content to wait patiently behind massive walls edged with razor wire. We don’t carry weapons to defend ourselves, nor do we travel in convoys with force protection accompaniment.

Rather, we rely on our relationships within the community to keep us safe and help us in our work. If the Bible teaches to “Love thy neighbor,” then the training so far has definitely focused on “Know thy neighbor…and make sure she knows you.”

Not just your neighbor, but your community – the various shop owners in various towns, the district government officials, the police, the military, the boys in the cattle camps, the women at the well, even the armed actors on the other side.

Indeed, the guys with guns, from either side, are some of the most important contacts we have. It’s important not only that we remain nonpartisan in our work, but that we remind others of our nonpartisanship. We do this not only by working with all sides but by making sure everyone knows we work with all sides.

There are definitely performative aspects in this. It’s not enough to be nonpartisan and nonviolent. Instead, we have to broadcast – through our words and deeds in every aspect of every day to as many people as possible – that we are dedicated to reducing violent potential and safeguarding vulnerable populations.

Practicing Fear

Everyone has to start somewhere, and on our second day of training, that start was with us, as individuals. We had to break ourselves down to build ourselves up.

That’s because one of the greatest dangers to the organization and to our personal safety will most likely not come through an external threat, but through personal mistake. It is all too possible, after weeks in the field, after bearing witness to fights, death, displacement, and extreme trauma, that it will all get too much. That instead of bending, we will break.

The first step is controlling oneself in the face of danger. Focus on the breath, reduce the pulse. Above all, remain calm. The second is to recognize the danger within you, the levels that can build and build until trauma has forced you so far into a corner that you have no choice but to lash out.

Without going into too much detail, we were pushed, hit, threatened – put in simulated situations that should frighten us and asked to remain calm. It’s the training that hopefully will prepare us for similar threats in the field.

There is fear in these scenarios, even if they’re just simulations. But by focusing on one’s breath, by turning inward, by finding that core inside of you, that the threats, the hits, the abuse and humility becomes so much white noise.

Practicing Trauma

Indeed, fear was easier to confront – the external – compared to what came next. We had to face down our demons and thank them for hurting us.

Each of us was asked to remember previous trauma. Something someone said to us that hurt so deeply, that even if we forgave or forgot long ago, left a spiritual scar in its place.

We shared simple phrases with the team that we associated with those events, and then we had to walk the gauntlet.

Think of some of the most hurtful things you’ve ever heard, and then think of some of the most hurtful you yourself have ever said, whether intentionally or not.

You’re stupid. You’re lazy. You’re fucking useless. I don’t want to see you again. I never cared for you.

We each had our phrase, and we had to walk between the lines of our team members while they looked us dead in the eye and repeated the phrase back to us. Twenty other people reminding you of your trauma and throwing it in your face, and after each one, we had to thank them for the pain.

For me, the anxiety skyrocketed the closer I drew to my turn. As I began the walk, each word cut deep. But as I continued on, it had less and less of an effect on me. The trauma was still there, but it no longer owned me like it once had.

And that’s important. Because the most dangerous time could come from when someone inadvertently touches that trauma. We lash out, and conflict ensues. By accepting trauma, being grateful for it, it can no longer hurt us.

Practicing Meaning

Finally, I’ll leave with a question that was asked of us. “What is one action you have done in your life that left you feeling content and helped you to feel real meaning?”

It’s a question we can all ask ourselves, something that we don’t often do. When was that last time? What was it that you did?

Chances are, it came about through helping someone. Humans are social creatures. We thrive in our relationships and connecting with one another.

So ask yourself, “When was the last time I did something that made me feel I had done something meaningful?”

Then ask, “What’s the next thing I can do to feel that again?”