...And I Can't Stop Smiling

Jos, Nigeria. Capital of Plateau State in Nigeria’s Middle Belt, the geographic region that unites/divides the Christian South from the Muslim North. Over the past decade, Jos has seen interreligious/interethnic violence that has claimed over 3000 lives and displaced hundreds of thousands more. Most recently, a series of bombings on Christmas Eve killed 80 and set off a cycle of violence which spread to neighboring states and throughout the country. Plateau State, in many ways, has come to represent the volatile relationship between Nigeria’s diverse ethnic and religious groups that threatens peace throughout the country.

It is in this turbulent landscape that I will be working for the next ten weeks. I will be conducting an assessment on the violence in Jos to advise the local government on policy considerations and to inform Search for Common Ground’s upcoming project linking religious leaders, civil society activists, and journalists for a series of radio roundtables and media projects aimed at building peace within local communities.

Now that I’ve given a short overview, I have to admit: I have no idea what I’m doing here. Let me rephrase that: when I get right down to it, a significant part of me believes that I shouldn’t be here. I came from small-town, rural Indiana. I got lucky with Peace Corps. Farm kids aren’t supposed to get the chance to do some of the things that I was able to do, and if by some chance they do, it’s more than likely a one-off opportunity that won’t happen again.

Maybe I got lucky. I feel a bit like a fraud, or that I’m faking my way through things because I don’t know anyone else with my background who’s gotten the same opportunities that I have. Some people would probably call it hard work, but I don’t think I work any harder or am any more talented than a lot of other people I know. In fact, most of the time, I think I’m pretty lazy.

But that doesn’t stop me from feeling blessed by coming back to this part of the world. There’s just something about the red clay, the open-air bars, the heat of a raw, tropical sun, the dirt, the smoke, the chaos, all of it that takes something away from me. I don’t know if being here lifts some type of burden from my shoulders or if it simply gives me some internal buoyancy, but I feel lighter nonetheless. Everything is new and familiar at the same time. I feel closer to some sort of raw energy, some basic core of humanity that I don’t feel as strongly in the States. My home is a place that’s much more insulated and safe. It’s comforting and stifling at the same time, like a blanket wrapped too tight. Don’t get me wrong: I love my hometown. It will always be a part of me, but for now, I feel, perhaps like some prodigal son, the need to leave and return.

With Peace Corps, I always felt that I would one day return to Indiana. My life in Niger always seemed very ephemeral. I would not be living in a village for the rest of my life. I would have to leave it and return home. Now, however, I feel as if I’m on a path that will take me far from the place where I was born. I don’t know where this path leads, if or when it will return. But I haven’t forgotten my home. I’m sure I will continue to be filled with a sense of wonder. How did I get here? Who am I fooling, and why haven’t they seen through me yet? It’s a sense of not belonging to this world of international travel and new experiences solely because of my background, not that I’m disadvantaged or hindered in any way, but because I am so thoroughly average. It may be difficult to understand, but I think it stems from a feeling that when there are literally millions of others like you, you’re forced to confront and build who you are and what you want in life, and that is a very scary proposition. Not only are you responsible for your own success but also for your own failure, an insecurity bred from not knowing how much it will hurt when you inevitably fall.

So for me, I am left with only one choice. I will keep moving forward, because even if I sometimes feel like a fraud, there are moments where I can’t help but feel the purest beauty of life, a seeming unity with everything around me, when gravity and time stop and some unknown energy seems to flow through every part of my body. It’s difficult for me to put into words, and it sounds admittedly overly emotional or melodramatic. But really, there’s nothing like sitting under the open sky, a full moon, a stereo system crashing music from Nigerian pop to high life to local Berom hip hop, a fish caught, killed, and grilled all within the last few hours, melting into the background while those around you joke, laugh, and each in their own way celebrate existence. Despite any doubts I may carry with me, I can’t stop smiling. I just can’t stop smiling.